Mildly disconcerting

I entered a stall in the ladies room at work and sat down to begin the business, then saw a copy of today's newspaper on the toilet-paper holder, folded to show the column with my husband's grinning face on it.

Home improvement

For six months, my bathroom has been begging for a face lift.

The previous owners painted much of our house quite colorfully -- a splashy red wall in the dining room, hues of blue in the kitchen, and peaceful greens in the master bedroom and living room. But the bathroom walls were boring off-white blah. There's also a salmon-colored sink and bathtub, which really stumped me. Just what is one supposed to do with a pink bathtub?! And the mirror was simply horrid. It was chipped all along the bottom, plus it was the wrong shape -- a vertical mirror hung in a horizontal space, which was totally fengin' my shui. Oh, and it was hanging on the wall by a COAT HANGER. This must be what mirrors are like in prison.

So a few weeks ago during our vacation, I began the great bathroom do-over. First I spray-painted two really awful dark-wood fixtures: that light above the sink and this unusual medicine-cabinet-type thing built into the outside wall of the shower:

I used antique white spray paint to match the trim on the window. I also replaced those puny little transparent lightbulbs with fat, white compact fluorescents, because we here at CBJ.com are incredibly environmental.

Then I picked paint colors for the walls. On the wall above the sink went French Cream by Valspar, which makes the pinkish sink and tub look pretty neat. The other three walls were done in Babbling Brook by Olympic. I also used a 40-percent-off coupon to purchase a big silvery mirror at Michael's for just $30, and then I replaced the grody old wood light plates with brushed silver fixtures.

Now I'm all through, except we're still waiting for the arrival of a train shelf and towel ring we ordered from Restoration Hardware, marked down by about $100. So the entire project cost just a little more than $300. But can I tell you? My finest moment during this makeover wasn't finding a good deal. It also wasn't figuring out how to paint the wall behind a toilet, or how to open a 6-foot ladder in a bathtub. No, my finest moment was when I INVENTED SOMETHING.

So when I pulled off all the blue masking tape, sometimes there were little dribbles of paint on the trim or caulking. Horrifying. So, thinking fast, I looked around the bathroom at what I might use to fix the problem. I happened to find this:

What is a bottle opener doing in a construction zone? Well, me and a couple Sierra Nevada Pale Ales think that's pretty obvious. Anyway, then I grabbed my plastic container of paint wipies. I don't know if that's what they are really called, but that's what I call them. They are like Wet Ones, but for your paint-spattered hands:

Then, I wrapped the wipie tightly around the top of the bottle opener:

Now, WITNESS THE GENIUS:

Isn't that outstanding?! I was able to wipe away the dribbles without disturbing the wet paint. I call it "The Paint Editor™." And because you were so nice as to read this entire blog post all the way to the very end, you may use my invention whenever you wish, absolutely free.

BK Safety Dance

This week I evidently have 14 seconds to set aside for blog posting, and luckily for you, they start right now! Watch this video to see how flipping the bird was never so much fun:

Debut

When Chickenbone gets a great dog treat -- and I'm not talking some dumb milk bone; I'm talking something so very special and savory that it blows his little MIND -- he does this weird thing where he whines and scurries around "burying" the treat over and over. It's ridiculous. I read somewhere that when a dog gets something it really adores, it instinctively feels it must do SOMETHING to protect it. But domesticated dogs don't really know what that thing is, as it's been awhile since they had to worry about enemies stealing their food or whatever. So they just sort of fret and worry as they try to figure out the protocol for handling such a treasure.

Well, one of Chickenbone's favorite treats is the pig's ear. A triangle-shaped dried piece of flesh that actually came from a pig's head. You can actually see little veins and stuff inside. It's grotesque, but boy, does Chickens love these babies. The other day I gave him a really gigantic ear, and I used my digital camera to film this video. It took me six hours to load it onto the blog, so, like, there probably won't be a sequel. Also, it's not edited whatsoever, and it's sort of shaky. But this is my very first video, so what do you want? Also, my house is kind of messy. So just don't look at that part. Enjoy.

Chickenbone and the pig's ear from Amy on Vimeo.

Waiting for the kiddies

Only two pumpkins were harmed in the making of this blog post.

The damage

At right you'll see the extent of the havoc wreaked by last night's 5.6 earthquake here in San Jose. A few bottles knocked over in the shower. It might not appear thrilling, but for four or five seconds, I can assure you it was.

My husband and I were in his office, which is a finished room off our garage. We were cleaning, organizing papers, building bookshelves and, sorting through various boxes. OK, fine, I was online, ordering a pizza. But still. So I'm sitting at the computer when I felt my feet moving. Then I heard this noise, and I turned around because I thought Sal was doing something. For the tiniest sliver of a moment, before I could realize how absurd this is, I wondered in my head: "Why is Sal shaking the office?" Then I heard him yell "OUT! OUT!" So I bolted for the door, with him right behind me. And Chickenbone was a country mile ahead of both of us.

But by the time we got into the back yard, it was practically over. I turned around and saw the four swag lamps hanging in the office, and they were swinging like pendulums. My heart was thumping. It was the most exciting thing ever. You see, I have felt tiny earthquakes before. But then again, sometimes I think I just wanted to feel an earthquake so much that I just made myself THINK I felt it. There was no question last night.

It seems like most folks had the same experience as us, a few books knocked over, or bottles toppled. Nothing too dramatic. But imagine being my friends who were walking through the Body Worlds exhibit when it happened. Freakin' corpses swinging from the rafters, man!

No, sir, YOU suck it.

While sitting at a red light this afternoon, I heard a horn blare behind me. In the rear-view mirror I saw a man in a truck angrily motioning for me to scoot up so he could get on the freeway on-ramp. Except there was no room to move up, because of the cars stopped in front of me. So I shrugged my shoulders, and he thrust his middle finger into the air and mouthed a big old "eff you."

Light turned green, and I proceeded. Almost immediately I noticed in the mirror a different car, a dirty black Nissan veering crazily back and forth, trying to snake ahead of all the traffic. At the exact moment this car got behind me, the car in front of me slowed down. So I pressed on the brakes, which sent the Nissan guy into a sputtering fury. Middle fingers and effs all OVER the place.

Well, this pissed me off. For one, I already got road-raged, didn't he see that? It happened like two seconds ago! For two, yet again, this was no fault of mine. When the car in front of you slows down, you slow down. But this guy, he was boiling over. Well, I did something I really shouldn't have done. I know this, because who knows, maybe I was inviting a rifle shot to the head. But I turned around, flashed him a big, bright grin, and raised my hand in the air for a friendly wave. A cute little "Toodle-oo!" wiggle of the fingers. He waved his arms wildly and I saw him call me an effing bitch. So I raised my hand again, curling my fingers into the A-OK sign. He gunned the engine and nearly clipped my car while steering around me, charging toward the intersection.

Well, as good fortune would have it, he was stopped by a red light, and I was in the turn lane directly next to him. And I was all ready to stir up some more smart-assed antagonistic shit when I saw something that makes my jaw drop. A woman in the passenger seat. A WOMAN?!?! Dude has a woman?!? But wait, there's more! So he's still all enraged with me, and because we're growing bored with the middle finger, he began pointing wildly at his crotch, over and over again, and mouthing at me to "suck it." I looked at him, looked at her, looked back at him, and I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. You see, your average woman in this situation would be slouched down in her seat, face buried in her hands because she can't believe what an incredible douchebag she ended up with. But this chick? She has actually opened her mouth into an O, curled her thumb and fingers into a circle next to her cheek, AND SHE IS ANGRILY MAKING THE UNIVERSAL SIGN OF THE B.J. AT ME.

Before I could see how this road-rage porn scene would end, the light turned green and they blazed off. And all I could think to myself was, man, that couple is gonna raise some AWESOME kids.